I have learned a few important lessons over the last few days. I think firstly I have learned that the entire world is run on total incompetence and idleness. Total incompetence/idleness is a quality that ensures there is a job to do! If all else failed, one could probably make a decent living by following people around, waiting for them to fuck up and offer to help them out – for a price. Well, insurance lawyers gotta pay the bills too, right?
No, that is unfair. Some people probably do strive to perform well at their jobs. They put in extra unpaid hours; are highly competent and competitive. Some people network and problem-solve and take their work home with them. Problem is, there are words for cunts like them and I daren’t publish such language on here. Besides, they probably have careers where there are goals, satisfaction and variation, and let’s be honest a hefty monetary incentive.
Everyone else, meanwhile, does jobs that fill in the gaps. These aren’t real jobs. No one needs to do these jobs. Transferring data from one database to another? Does this really require a healthy slab of human error? Surely upon surely these tasks could be solved by one nifty computer engineer who could effectively do it all in one go? No? And if the answer really is no, it’s just because the computer engineers of this world are just as incompetent/idle as the rest of us.
Ok, so following those one or two nifty/crap engineers who failed in their data transferral task, the government decides to employ hundreds of staff who require training and free coffee. This seems to go against the law of economics. Paying hundreds of people to do such a simple task that could undoubtedly be solved by a few hours of - an admittedly higher paid - geek.
Ok ok, I get it – this is creating jobs. This is a good thing. This means I do not rob old ladies to pay my rent. But the entire North East is employed in meaningless call centre, data entry and admin positions. Ahh but so long as they are employed and can therefore participate in society on a fairly even basis, who gives a shit right?
Perhaps it has always been so, but I can’t help feeling that this is an exclusively modern condition. I almost feel lucky in that at no other time in the history of the world has our employment seemed as utterly pointless and unrewarding than as right now. This is historic.
This is just me admitting outright that I’ve just realised that I have no use to society, and the only way the world can deal with such an annoying bum is to employ him, crush his hopes, feed his fears and wait for him to toe the line like every other bugger. And yet the romantic, white middle class oaf in me feels above this work. But it’s true, I’m utterly worthless. I may be, narrowly speaking, cultured or refined or something (I’m not a total idiot and I have taste) but these are old fashioned values in that they are no longer valued by employers any more (and by, ahem, fewer women these days eh...). No doubt these are excellent qualities for an executive management position.
Oh god, I’ve gone weak. Writing that phrase made my arms go heavy, my eyelids narrow and my head tilt back on my chair. I feel a bit like how Stephen Hawking looks.
Sigh. There’s got to be more to it…
In my new position at this rural agency it seems that creating work for myself to do (and by that I do not mean to imply any sense of initiative or creative thinking) will take up most of my time. From those I have observed thus far in my rather rushed and frenzied training, I have gleaned that should I choose to answer a ringing phone, I should only do so following two cups of hot juice, a packet of cigarettes, a couple of email checks (there could be something important), and an amorous session in the toilets with someone from HR.
Once a call has been taken, I should ensure that there is at least one piece of information missing from my knowledge. Most likely this will not be a problem. Once a gap has been discovered, I must duly assign myself to this task and agree to ring this particular farmer back. Great! Time for herbal tea, because right after herbal tea, I’m gonna find out the answer to this problem and this is bound to require me to read all the relevant sections of our training handbook, large chunks from the Football365.com website and a closer inspection of Sheila’s naval tattoo.
Once the answer is at hand, it’s probably time to ring back the farmer who will be delighted with how professional (rehearsed) I sound and a pay rise is almost definitely on the way.
Are all jobs really like this? Maybe it’s just the civil service. Civil service. Eugh. I’m a servant dude. Is that cool?
In a way, this is perhaps a good job for me to hold. I tend to feel like paperwork dirties my soul. I hate filling in forms. If I’m getting paid to do it, however…hmm…
But why is the world so full of forms? Farmers don’t need to fill out forms! “But for the new regulations, you see, farmers need to ensure that they are subsidised the appropriate amount which we calculate once they’ve sent us the relevant tax details, proof of sale, exact sums to be claimed, quoting the proper subsection of the C-Reg-01 form whilst…..”
FOR CHRIST’S SAKE MAN…
What’s going on here? Farmers can’t read! Honestly. A lot of these old giffers can’t read. They don’t know shit but cows, milk and, well, shit.
They aren’t lawyers!
Oh, wait, I get it. Lawyers. It keeps lawyers in a job. Yes! It keeps lawyers and agricultural agents and their associated agencies in a job. I get it. Oh right. So while the farmer is spending two weeks filling out a volume of forms, intermittently ringing cloth-haired muggins here, he isn’t out in a field DOING HIS JOB which he can do. So he either gets screwed over because he fills it in wrong or he pays some smug git £200 an hour (I know the real deal: hot juice + cigarette + desktime blowjobs + ten minutes sitting on a phone = £200) to do it for him.
I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what my point is. I always thought the world was a bit like this. Now I’m getting proof. Just a bit depressing, is all.
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2 comments:
Not quite sure I agree with this bit:
"Perhaps it has always been so, but I can’t help feeling that this is an exclusively modern condition. I almost feel lucky in that at no other time in the history of the world has our employment seemed as utterly pointless and unrewarding than as right now. This is historic"
I think a few factory workers or peasant farmers from previous centuries might disagree with you there. I think the difference is that now so many people are so incredibly overqualified for the kind of work they end up doing, at least some of the time. A peasant in the 14th century or a factory worker in the 18th century probably had little or no education and certainly had very little chance of doing anything other than the role that society had given them from birth.
Whereas nowadays people graduate from University with all sorts of intellectual skills and ideas, but no idea what to do with them. So they end up temping. Which, as you've pointed out, essentially involves trying to waste as much time as possible. I was booked for a temping job for a fortnight once and actually worked at the speed I was capable of. I was fired after 2 days because I had "done all the work". I never made THAT mistake again. The weird thing is that when I've since actually had to work hard, it feels much more difficult than it used to. I think your ability to work hard atrophies if you don't use it, which I guess is why so many people end up working in a crappy job for ages even though they are probably capable of much more. Call it the "Tim off of The Office syndrome". Although at least in that scenario you're not Gareth, or David. Or Finchy. That would be scary.
What this boils down to is: Welcome to the world of Work, brother! Enjoy your stay! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though - if you can find a job that you actually want to do - then persuade someone to pay you to do it. That's the difficult bit...
"employment seeming as utterly pointless and unrewarding than as right now"
what I mean by this is that at least historically there was a potential for some satisfaction at work - like you were actually doing something that needed doing. Ok, factory workers might have had little choice of their employment path, but perhaps when they got home from work, there was a feeling of a job well done - moving paper around a sterile environment hardly makes you feel like you've achieved anything. That's why I am so restless.
Anyway, gotta go to work now!
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