Chug on

Well, I’ve so far had four full days of charity mugging for a children saving charity. Fuck it’s hard work. I spend my days skulking around a street somewhere in the North East, fixed to the spot trying to persuade young women to come near me. Why young women? Because they are the only people who will even stop for me when I’m standing there, wearing an unflattering bib and waving an obscenely bulky burgundy folder full of patronising laminates. Sometimes I have to resort to a cheeky, flirtatious manner to get them to stop and sign up. Damn it, if they’re going to agree to pay out serious dollars every month to feed some faceless brown kids, they have to at least like me!

Today, I saw a nice array of people from the particularly deprived area they saw fit to unleash us on this time. Mostly there were old people. Really frail old people. Just as I was about to help the first ridiculously slow-moving old woman of the day across a busy crossing, a traffic warden stepped in, took her arm and simultaneously mentioned that perhaps the old dear wouldn’t be interested in signing up to a charity today thankyouverymuch. I wasn’t asking her you prick. I know I’m working for a charity, but I do have some morals.

Oh, saw an old fella with a growth bigger than a tennis ball hanging off the back of his head. Great.

What did reassure me today was that a young woman offered me some crack. As I was pausing for a second, weighing up the pros and cons, she told me that she used to be a street fundraiser not so long ago, and that she only stopped to speak to me cos I looked a bit miserable, and maybe a bit of base might cheer me up. Weirdly, that didn’t persuade me to want to join her in a life of unemployment, cardboard boxes and an early death.

Maybe tomorrow.

What I see all the time is just very young women with children, looking so utterly poor and hopeless. What they must think of me. I’m asking them to donate about a quarter of their government supplemented income to pay my salary and do some other stuff they probably don’t really want to conceive of because it’s so far away and frankly they quite want to keep that money for the bairns…fair enough.

Old men? Haven’t signed one of them up yet. They usually make up some shit about having ‘arthritis’. Yeah yeah, tell it to help the aged.

What a dull post. Better pick up my game before anonymous starts piping up.