On drifting

I have noticed that I am drifting. Drifting is sacred (ask Hugo) but I am trying to figure out whether it is good. Those who spoke to me before leaving will probably remember that I was quite blasé about where I would go. "Ahh, wherever," I would say, "it'll all involve being in India so who cares where I am." This still holds some truth - but it doesn't answer the question, 'yes, but where do you want to go?'

I have no route planned and few places that I feel I have to see. I'm drifting. Even my days, I often wander around and wait for people to arrive. I've realised this about myself. Generally I need people around. I can read a book on my own; play my guitar, write. But for me to enjoy these things I need to share with a haphazardly arranged, disparate group of individuals. I wait for stuff to happen. And it generally does.

And this is why drifting is important. I realise my reliance upon other people. I rely upon people to provide company. Each time that I approach a fresh group or individual I throw myself upon their mercy with the words, "hello, mind if I join you?" Not once has the reply been no. Perhaps a couple of times it has been short of enthusiastic and I try to figure this out and make a swift exit.

However much independence you want, you rely upon other's knowledge and company. Female travellers I have met often use men to travel with. Not maliciously. It's not like they leech upon their stronger back muscles and facial hair to avoid hurty back pains and sexual harassment. No, but I often see mismatched pairs of characters arranging bus trips because the woman is not comfortable with travelling alone. I don't blame them. I'm not keen on travelling alone here. And I haven't actually done it yet, but again that is through finding more pleasure from travelling with other people than a fear of it. It's less boring.

This reliance is problematic sometimes. I guess by leaving my home, job, friends, girlfriend and a stable roof over my head I was running away from commitment. I have little to answer for (except that fucking student bastard loan). But even on the road, people rely on you!

No man is an island huh.

Often I make vague arrangements to meet people at some time and some place. But having no watch and drifting around like sand in the tide means that I miss appointments. And then I see that person again and they looked pissed! Jeez.

The problem comes with being content. If I am context where I am happy - maybe I've just met some new people - then I don't wanna just up and leave. If I'm not happy - I'll make my excuses.

And of course if I were to keep an appointment and the other person sack me off? I'd be pissed off - depends how much I fancy them. But not that pissed - I'd talk to someone else.

A trio of Australian girls I met in Pushkar and who seemed to be (though actually weren't) following me to Dharamsala accused me of being a networker. That I will have a short exchange with everyone in a room - perhaps to the point of not committing to a real conversation. Maybe this is true.

I think one problem is this (and don't read this wrong) I can be too friendly on first contact. What if I'm all smiles and chat with a new person who happens to have no friends? This person might be desperate for friends. Perhaps on further investigation I decide that this person is unkind or bores me? What then? Well, nice one buster, you've just made friends with a dullard!

And then I have to bitch about them on here.

You see the problem. If you make friends with everyone, you risk making friends with tossers who you don't want to spend any time with. And then you find yourself referring to people as tossers and you remember some thing in the back of your mind about Buddhist philosophy and how you should gaze upon everyone in the way that you would look at your own child (wincing, "oh, it's pissed itself."). So then you get confused. And then you remember that no, you don't have to like everyone. Teena reminded you of this in Jaipur. Just don't be bad to people.

Right, so be friendly to everyone, but if after a little investigation (chat) you decide they are a twat, you are more than entitled to label them as such (in your mind) and do so at your own peril. Just don't tell anyone else you think they're a twat - for that is pure bad karma.

And now the real problem. What if I bore the shit out of someone (other than my reader)? I guess I just have to keep my senses open to the many signs of suicidal tedium.

And now the burning issue. What if I'm boring the shit out of a beautiful woman? Usually in the presence of beautiful women I'm so deeply self conscious about the signals being sent to and from my brain trying to direct my body into keeping a cool posture, a decent smile, good eye contact, shit, what was her name again?