Subterranean Homesick Idiot

So, I’m sunburned. Yes, the painfully British idiot in me managed to sit out in the sun for too long yesterday, and despite best efforts at suncream, I burned the bejesus out of my back. What a twat.

Oh well. It’s shame that I can’t be trusted with being outdoors. I think I need my mother.

Would you like to read a poem that I wrote a couple of days ago while suffering a painful dose of writer’s block? Ok.

Why does everyone look so healthy?
This seems so very wrong.
A woman runs manically down the sand.
What’s she running from?

Nothing, she just wants a body
In top shape so she can,
Find a willing partner:

A healthy single man.

Look, there’s a man now
Running with no clear gain.
This man he sprints also
And like the woman he looks insane.

So, as you can see, artistically I’m dribbling.

Actually, that previous line. Maybe that would be a nice way to end the poem. Yep, that’s the ending. “So, as you can see, artistically I’m dribbling.” Or maybe that can be the poem's title.

Man I’m bored. I’m doing the internet equivalent of watching paint dry. I’m watching bytes upload. I think if there were to be a powercut any time soon, I would probably have an actual nervous breakdown. Something would definitely get broken.

So, news. In between bouts of cyber rage and skin destruction I have managed to fill up my schedule for the next few nights. I’m playing tonight at some gig with Matthew, the rather talented Jesus-impersonating saxophonist. He wants me to play “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D. I made the mistake of playing it to him the other night. I mean, obviously it’s a fun song to sing but it does have a tendency to offend as much as it delights. Just look at the title.

I was actually once given a lecture by a German girl about the insensitivity of playing that song as there was always a high likelihood that any random bunch of strangers will contain at least one person who has been sexually assaulted or abused. Hmm. I think I tried my best to explain that the song isn’t technically about glorifying gang rape or the wonders of child fiddling, but more a bittersweet powerballad to insensitive lovers. But that’s the point with songs like this, people can misunderstand.

Fuck it. I’m in Goa, a place full of English tourists and they can always be relied upon to laugh at the words “I’m gonna ball you completely.”

So anyway, I’m playing tonight. Maybe I do an entire set of obscene songs. That could be fun. Maybe not. I’m also playing tomorrow night at the open mic night that I found myself in last week (have I really been here a week?). And on Christmas day I have been booked to provide entertainment at some point at a nice restaurant. It does mean I’ll get a free turkey dinner and possibly even a little payment.

Yesterday while sitting on the beach at sunset two friends from Newcastle Uni just strolled on by. Clare and Louise. I forget their second names, but for those who will understand – Louise as in who lived with Adam in Heaton. And Clare Hermatewhatshersecondname?

So, they say hi. It was quite weird, I had no idea they were going to be in India, least of all just strolling by in Goa in bikinis. I took a picture of them to prove it and with technology permitting it will be on my photo page thingy with some more.

So I spend my first Christmas away from home. Instead of awkward extended familial conversations and homemade turkey, I get to enjoy a sunburned back with a bunch of strangers. Same same.

So, happy christmas y'all!